Misc

Miscellaneous Page

Page Contents: Billion Good Advice How to Bathe a Cat Interesting History Too much time Wanted for Attempted Murder

Someone with too much time one their hands managed to come up with these ditties...

DORMITORY

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

MOTHER-IN-LAW

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:

When you rearrange the letters

(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):

TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Interesting History

Have a history teacher explain this----- if he can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860..
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford..'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Hmmmmm!

“WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER” (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for awhile became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And yes, Linda is a blonde!

“HOW TO BATHE A CAT” (I don’t, IN ANY WAY, endorse this!!)

Thoroughly clean toilet.
Lift both lids and add shampoo.
Find and soothe cat as you carry him to bathroom.
In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids and stand on top, so cat cannot escape.
The cat will self-agitate and produce ample suds. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this)
Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
Have someone open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.
Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and outdoors, where he will air dry.

Sincerely,

The Dog

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:

Read this and make a copy for your files in case you need to refer to it someday.

The next time you order checks have only your initials (instead of your first name) and last name put on them.

If someone takes your check book they will not know if you sign your checks with just your initials or your first name but your bank will know how you sign your checks.

When you are writing checks to pay on your credit card accounts, DO NOT put the complete account number on the "For" line. Instead, just put the last four numbers. The credit card company knows the rest of the number and anyone who might be handling your check as it passes through all the check processing channels won't have access to it.

Put your work phone # on your checks instead of your home phone. If you have a PO Box use that instead of your home address. Never have your SS# printed on your checks (DUH!) you can add it if it is necessary. But if you have it printed, anyone can get it.

Place the contents of your wallet on a photocopy machine, do both sides of each license, credit card, etc.

You will know what you had in your wallet and all of the account numbers and phone numbers to call and cancel. Keep the photocopy in a safe place. I also carry a photocopy of my passport when I travel either here or abroad.

We've all heard horror stories about fraud that's committed on us in stealing a name, address, Social Security number, credit cards, etc.

Unfortunately I, an attorney, have firsthand knowledge because my wallet was stolen last month. Within a week, the thieve(s) ordered an expensive monthly cell phone package, applied for a VISA credit card, had a credit line approved to buy a Gateway computer, received a PIN number from DMV to change my driving record information online, and more.

But here's some critical information to limit the damage in case this happens to you or someone you know:

We have been told we should cancel our credit cards immediately. But the key is having the toll free numbers and your card numbers handy so you know whom to call. Keep those where you can find them easily.

File a police report immediately in the jurisdiction where it was stolen, this proves to credit providers you were diligent, and is a first step toward an investigation (if there ever is one).

But here's what is perhaps most important: (I never even thought to do this). Call the three national credit reporting organizations immediately to place a fraud alert on your name and Social Security number. I had never heard of doing that until advised by a bank that called to tell me an application for credit was made over the Internet in my name. The alert means any company that checks your credit knows your information was stolen and they have to contact you by phone to authorize new credit. By the time I was advised to do this, almost two weeks after the theft, all the damage had been done.

There are records of all the credit checks initiated by the thieves' purchases, none of which I knew about before placing the alert. Since then, no additional damage has been done, and the thieves threw my wallet away this weekend (someone turned it in). It seems to have stopped them in their tracks.

We pass along jokes on the Internet; we pass along just about everything. Pass this information along.